The "Best Man" for the Job

I just returned from Iowa having served as best man for my friend Brad Allen at his wedding. Prior to the wedding, Brad asked me to deliver a speech and base it off of Benedict Cumberbatch's speech on the BBC show Sherlock. I may have taken that a little too closely to heart. Below is what I presented. In case you're one for visual aids to complement the speech, I have posted above a time lapse I took of the wedding ceremony simply by mounting my GoPro to the balcony of the church.

Brad Allen. (beat) My friend, Brad. (beat) Bradley David Ray Allen…Jingleheimer Schmidt. (beat) Brad! When Brad first broached the subject of being the best man and delivering a speech, I was confused. I confess at first I didn’t realize he was asking me. It was more like a demand in a hostage situation. To my recollection, he was holding a megaphone and had a squirt gun held to my most valuable comic book. Anyways, once I finally understood what Brad was asking me, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised. I explained to him that I had never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it. In fact, when I first met Brad, he was managing my favorite comic book store. One day while I was purchasing the latest issue of Ultimate Spider-Man, I became engaged in conversation with Brad. I remember thinking, "This guy is pretty cool. In another lifetime, we could have been good friends…but not today,” and I ran out of the store because I had to catch my ride home. Flash forward to today and here we stand.

Now let’s backtrack to Brad’s request that I be his best man. My apologies for leaving everyone hanging but the outcome shouldn’t come as a surprise. I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was, for me, as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was in some ways, very close to being moved by it. It later transpired that I’d said none of this out loud and there was a long awkward silence between the two of us for a solid twenty minutes. You know, I won’t lie, Brad and I weren’t even on a first name basis until about a month ago. He would refer to me as Mr. Haydon and I would talk down to him as Bradley. I assure you, once this whole wedding business is over with, we’ll revert back to our prior relationship.

Now I’m going to quote Benedict Cumberbatch from the BBC show Sherlock which Brad requested I base this speech off of. I assume it’s to make himself look better by comparison. “I’m afraid I can’t congratulate you. All emotions and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time, one feels certain, our entire species”. Well, that was bleak.

But anyway, let’s talk about Brad. For those of you seeking a funny story about Brad, one needs to go no further than his Facebook page. There you’ll see pictures of Brad dressed as the Lone Ranger and me as Tonto, Brad as Watson to my Sherlock, as William Shatner’s Captain Kirk (the later years), and the March Hare to my Mad Hatter. If I burden myself with a little helpmate, a sidekick if you will, during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me and his desire to Cosplay. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes in truth from the extraordinary contrast Brad so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day (with you ladies as the exception of course. To be fair, I didn’t meet any of you until last night) whereas grooms favor a group of men shorter than them which is why it was I standing next to Brad during the ceremony. There is a certain analogy there, I feel. And contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation.

The point I’m trying to make is that, at Brad’s request, I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-around obnoxious jerk to be given the task of delivering a speech on one’s big day. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful, and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. Brad, I can be a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship and you’ve been there for me numerous times. As I am, apparently your best friend today, I can congratulate you on your choice of companion. Nicole, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. Know this. Today, you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man whose humanity you have saved and you are surrounded by a group of people who love you immensely. And I know I speak for Nicole as well when I say we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.